Empire of the Ants
April 3, 2009
I hate ants. I am not scared of them, I just cannot stand the sight of these wickedly intelligent moving black dots.
Yes, I read Empire of the Ants as a little girl, and yes, I am still traumatized.
Unfortunately, there are lots of ants in India.
They crawl out of the most improbable places and killing them just makes things worse: half a million little FBI agents then show up to carry the body back home, research the cause of their fellow soldier’s death and, I bet you, avenge it. You end up with Napoleon’s Russian Campaign in your living room, only where the hell are you going to find a Berezina river to stop them? Nowhere. Ants swim, honey.
These hideous creatures will take over the human race one day, I am telling you.
I tried everything, from Super-glu around the plug from which they were coming out, to putting salt on their way (my mother’s idea). I emptied 3 full sprays of Baygon and poured Javel water on them. Nothing worked.
Desperate, I asked around me. My friend Agnes came over one night and told me about some chalk she used in her flat. Chalk. Weird. But at this point I was on a mission.
Agnes gone, I looked at the regiment of ants on their night duty and told them: “Good night little things. Tomorrow, you will be no more.”
The next day I went to my supermarket, and, feeling a little silly, asked the guy if by any miracle he’d have some magic chalk for ants. I felt as if I was asking for hard drugs, not sure if the thing was available, not sure he was the dealer, but hoping for a high.
But of course he had it – he has everything, hidden in his dark little Superette: San Pellegrino, smoked salmon, bacon…
Well, let me tell you: this chalk stuff is truly amazing.
You just draw a line across the ants’ path, on every door frame and around the place they get out from, and they never, ever cross the damn line. If they do, they start convulsing like dervishes and when their sisters come to pick up their bodies, they also get contaminated, start convulsing, pffuit, basta.
I wish there was such a chalk for sleazy men.
What fun we’d have.